When it rains I don’t feel the pain anymore.
It’s an escape from my mind, my memories.
The water washes over me with a sense of healing.
I used to be so scared of storms, the rumble of the thunder while I sleep. The brightness of the Lightning as it strikes all around us.
Now I’m one with it. The storms inside me, inside my head can escape with the noises around me. I love the distraction, the feel of the rain, the rush of adrenaline as I get a bit too close this time.
I never used to be like this, on the edge constantly. I used to be shy and giddy and smile. I would smile so much my cheeks would hurt. I miss it, I would take the pain of my own laughter any day over the pain I feel now.
Everyday I feel like my heart is shattering into a million pieces because of him. A whisper of his name and I fall apart and crawl back into my shell, I just can’t come to terms with this new life I’m now supposed to live.
Four damn years of my life consisted of that name. It was the center of my universe, my whole goddamn world, the one thing that gave me constant comfort. Now it’s just a memory, a whisper that comes once in a while by the friends I once had who only feel sorry for me now.
Do they know though? Do they know what it feels like to have your heart completely ripped out of your chest? Do they know what it’s like to lose someone like that? No, of course not because obviously if they did they would have nothing to say to me.
With each drop of rain, I make myself remember one last time because once this storm is over, so is that part of my life. I won’t let it control me anymore. I can’t let it take me down, I have to get through this.
A year ago today we were leaving for college, we had the whole world in front of us and our whole lives to be together. The night before he had asked me to spend every minute of it with him. He made me a promise, he gave me everything I wanted.
Today, I was in a mood though. You know just having one of those days where I wanted to push the boundaries a little. We hadn’t slept much the night before. We were too wrapped up in each other to even think about the morning. I was tired, it was muggy, I didn’t want to be on this long road trip in the rain.
I put my bare feet on his dashboard and smiled when I saw the picture of me sticking up. His favorite senior picture of mine because he says it captures my smile he loves so much. If he only knew the only reason my smile was like that, was because he was in the background making me laugh.
I turned Florida Georgia Line up and sat back in my seat and stared out the window.
If you could dream up the perfect person, that’s what I have sitting beside me. Aiden Lewis. 6’1, a body you can’t keep your hands off of, and the greenest emerald eyes I have ever seen. His dark brown wavy hair is the type you fist your fingers through when he’s making love to you, because it looks incredible when it’s messy. I fell in love with him the moment I tripped on my own two left feet freshman year. If you asked me how I felt now I wouldn’t even know what to say, because I’m not just in love anymore, my heart and soul are completely his.
That’s exactly why I don’t know why I kept pushing him today, Aiden does nothing but love me fiercely. I could tell I was starting to get to him, he was just as agitated as I was with every mile marker to our future we made.
I was distracting him with my silent words and the fact that I wouldn’t tell him what was wrong because hell I didn’t even know, I didn’t have an answer. I was being a girl, I was playing games, I was being stupid and arguing and saying things I didn’t mean because I could.
Because he loved me.
And then my world completely broke.
I realized too late that he hadn’t stopped at that red light, that he had been distracted by….me. That’s when I looked at him and he was looking at me, so scared and trying to do everything to protect me. I could see it in his eyes. I cried. We both didn’t move. In ten seconds I said I love you, I said I’m sorry and then everything went dark.
I woke up, he didn’t.
He’s gone, and apart of me will always be gone with him, probably all of the better parts.
I shove the pictures, the love letters, the old t-shirts with the smell of him still lingering and I put them in the wooden box he carved our initials in when we were sixteen-years old. I place them under the bed where so many memories were made.
I tell myself until I am ok again, I have to keep it closed.
The pain will go away and I will find myself smiling instead of crying at the thought of our memories together, the life and the love that was cut too short. That’s when I can look back in this box and remember without having my heart ripped in half every time I look at the ridiculous “Go to prom with me, beautiful” sign he made me that only turned into the best night of our lives.
I won’t need the rain anymore because the tears won’t fall as much and the pain won’t be as strong.