Short Story Sunday.

When it rains I don’t feel the pain anymore.

It’s an escape from my mind, my memories.

The water washes over me with a sense of healing.

I used to be so scared of storms, the rumble of the thunder while I sleep. The brightness of the Lightning as it strikes all around us.

Now I’m one with it. The storms inside me, inside my head can escape with the noises around me. I love the distraction, the feel of the rain, the rush of adrenaline as I get a bit too close this time.

I never used to be like this, on the edge constantly. I used to be shy and giddy and smile. I would smile so much my cheeks would hurt. I miss it, I would take the pain of my own laughter any day over the pain I feel now.

Everyday I feel like my heart is shattering into a million pieces because of him. A whisper of his name and I fall apart and crawl back into my shell, I just can’t come to terms with this new life I’m now supposed to live.

Four damn years of my life consisted of that name. It was the center of my universe, my whole goddamn world, the one thing that gave me constant comfort. Now it’s just a memory, a whisper that comes once in a while by the friends I once had who only feel sorry for me now.

Do they know though? Do they know what it feels like to have your heart completely ripped out of your chest? Do they know what it’s like to lose someone like that? No, of course not because obviously if they did they would have nothing to say to me.

With each drop of rain, I make myself remember one last time because once this storm is over, so is that part of my life. I won’t let it control me anymore. I can’t let it take me down, I have to get through this.

A year ago today we were leaving for college, we had the whole world in front of us and our whole lives to be together. The night before he had asked me to spend every minute of it with him. He made me a promise, he gave me everything I wanted.

Today, I was in a mood though. You know just having one of those days where I wanted to push the boundaries a little. We hadn’t slept much the night before. We were too wrapped up in each other to even think about the morning. I was tired, it was muggy, I didn’t want to be on this long road trip in the rain.

I put my bare feet on his dashboard and smiled when I saw the picture of me sticking up. His favorite senior picture of mine because he says it captures my smile he loves so much. If he only knew the only reason my smile was like that, was because he was in the background making me laugh.

I turned Florida Georgia Line up and sat back in my seat and stared out the window.

If you could dream up the perfect person, that’s what I have sitting beside me. Aiden Lewis. 6’1, a body you can’t keep your hands off of, and the greenest emerald eyes I have ever seen. His dark brown wavy hair is the type you fist your fingers through when he’s making love to you, because it looks incredible when it’s messy. I fell in love with him the moment I tripped on my own two left feet freshman year. If you asked me how I felt now I wouldn’t even know what to say, because I’m not just in love anymore, my heart and soul are completely his.

That’s exactly why I don’t know why I kept pushing him today, Aiden does nothing but love me fiercely. I could tell I was starting to get to him, he was just as agitated as I was with every mile marker to our future we made.

I was distracting him with my silent words and the fact that I wouldn’t tell him what was wrong because hell I didn’t even know, I didn’t have an answer. I was being a girl, I was playing games, I was being stupid and arguing and saying things I didn’t mean because I could.

Because he loved me.

And then my world completely broke.

I realized too late that he hadn’t stopped at that red light, that he had been distracted by….me. That’s when I looked at him and he was looking at me, so scared and trying to do everything to protect me. I could see it in his eyes. I cried. We both didn’t move. In ten seconds I said I love you, I said I’m sorry and then everything went dark.

I woke up, he didn’t.

He’s gone, and apart of me will always be gone with him, probably all of the better parts.

I shove the pictures, the love letters, the old t-shirts with the smell of him still lingering and I put them in the wooden box he carved our initials in when we were  sixteen-years old. I place them under the bed where so many memories were made.

I tell myself until I am ok again, I have to keep it closed.

The pain will go away and I will find myself smiling instead of crying at the thought of our memories together, the life and the love that was cut too short. That’s when I can look back in this box and remember without having my heart ripped in half every time I look at the ridiculous “Go to prom with me, beautiful” sign he made me that only turned into the best night of our lives.

I won’t need the rain anymore because the tears won’t fall as much and the pain won’t be as strong.

See Me.

I need him to see me. I mean really see me. Not the girl I hide behind. Not the curly long hair or the contoured face or even sometimes my body. 

I need him to see the girl who used to cry herself to sleep every night, sometimes over nothing, other times, over everything.

I need him to see the girl who cringes every time a voice is raised, reminding her of only past memories.

I was a mess of a girl when I first met him. Now I am even more a mess of a woman.

I need him to see me, to accept me, flaws and all. Lord knows I sure have a lot of them.

I’m needy.

I need reassurance every day that he’s not going to leave me.

Even though I put up a fight just to see if he cares.

I need hugs and constant I love you’s. 

I’m a chronic over-thinker. Always wanting to know what’s on his mind.

I need texts and calls so I don’t worry myself to death wondering if something happened while he only just went out to get our dinner.

I need so much more than any normal girl.

Because there’s so much more to me.

It’s the price you pay for loving someone with anxiety. 

I need him to see that I’m worth it.

I need him to see me.


For all of the girls who just need to be seen, who need to be loved, anxiety and all. I see you.


Compliments.

Compliments.

We all crave them like we crave that last slice of cake. They are like gold, everyone wants them but not everyone gets them.

You are beautiful.

You are hot.

You are sexy.

You are handsome.

You are cute.

You are pretty.

When you think of compliments you think of appearance right? Like “Oh, your dress is so cute where did you get it?” Or “Your makeup is so on point today, girl.”

Those are great, I mean I love being complimented on my looks or what I’m wearing or maybe even my hair but what about something else…

What if someone told you that they are happy you are in their life.

Or that you are the strongest person they have ever met.

You are smart as hell.

You always make them laugh when they need it.

You are worth everything.

They never want to lose you.

You make life easier by being here.

They are proud of you.

You are incredible inside and out.

Wouldn’t your heart melt like a popsicle on a hot Summer day? If I could hear one of those every single day, I would feel like the most powerful woman in the world.

You would feel like what you do in this life matters, and it truly does.

Words are such a powerful thing and those words are gold. They will make someone feel something for days to come.

Compliments don’t always have to be about looks, but for how someone makes you feel. How they treat you. What you see when you look at them. Or maybe even what they do to you.

Don’t be afraid to dish out compliments like it’s your job. That’s what we are here for, making people happy and making an imprint that will last a lifetime.

That’s what matters.

Lovers & Friends.

I woke up wanting his arms around my waist, his lips brushing against mine.

It’s a painful feeling when the person you are dreaming about is untouchable.

The person I wanted at 3am didn’t want me anymore.

We were friends and then we were lovers and that’s where it ends.

You can be a lover and find a friend inside that person, but it’s impossible to have a friend and turn them into a lover without losing them when it all comes crashing down.

I knew him in the most intimate way possible, in and out of the bedroom.

Because intimacy isn’t just knowing every curve and feel of their body,

Intimacy is calling them at 3am when you can’t breath from a nightmare.

Intimacy is walking into a room, seeing their face and instantly not feeling broken or lost anymore.

Sometimes I wish we could just start over, swipe everything we know about each other out of our minds.

Because maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much, if I loved you as a stranger and you left me after that.

I wouldn’t know all the things I know now.

I wouldn’t know how your laugh is contagious and your smile lights up a whole goddamn room.

I wouldn’t know how comforting your hugs are or how warm your eyes make me feel.

I wouldn’t know your secrets or the depth of your heart.

After everything, I can’t see us going back to the way things used to be.

I can’t forget the way your body feels against mine.

I can’t forget the way your kiss makes me lose my mind.

I just can’t forget and you know how the saying goes…

If two past lovers can remain friends,

Either they never were in love or they still are.

I can’t be your friend…

It hurts too much…

I’m in love with you.

 

Marry Your Best Friend.

They are like the sweatpants of your life.

They make you laugh until your stomach hurts.

They tickle you until you cry out from smiling so much.

They listen to you complain about work and your friendships.

They hold you when your world feels like it’s falling apart. 

They calm you down with one look or a simple touch.

They never judge.

They drive you crazy and frustrate you like no one else.

Fighting is always heated but always fair.

Comfortable silences are a must.

Inside jokes with them make your heart happy.

They believe in you even if you don’t believe in yourself.

They bring you food when you’re having a bad day because it makes everything better. 

They forgive, always.

They are respectful and committed.

They sing in the car with you.

They are a constant and weekends feel like sleepovers. 

One hug could change your whole mood.

They are your soul mate, because how else would you describe someone that makes you feel the way they make you feel.

It’s incredibly important to be with your best friend because when the going gets tough, you need to know they will always have your back.

You need that reassurance and you need that friendship to fall on. 

It’s the ultimate foundation.

Marry your best friend.

You Can’t Make Him Want You.

You tried didn’t you?

Maybe you fixed your hair up, put a little extra mascara on and a little more plump to your lips.

Did you buy a new dress, or torture yourself with a wax?

In a random conversation you learned he loved smart women, so maybe you read a few new books.

In addition though, he also likes adventure in more ways than one so you bought the new Cosmo that specialized in spicing up your relationship.

He likes this and that and wants that and this.

You stop doing girls night because he doesn’t like a girl who parties more than he does.

And date nights? He’s too busy and tired so he would rather stay in.

Promise after promise is broken.

You start to feel like what you always said you would never be, a doormat.

So guess what?

You can only try so hard.

Someone like that will drain you until you feel nothing but damaged.

He only makes you smile sometimes.

He only makes you feel pretty on occasion.

He only wants to see you on his time.

Your heart will feel like it’s being ripped apart, but you need to let it go.

You will thank that SOB when you find someone who is everything that he is not.

You can’t make him your home.

You can’t make him want you.

To The Hopeless Romantic’s.

To the hopeless romantic’s,

You were dreaming of your prince charming at the age of eight. You were planning your wedding at the age of twelve. Your colors, your favorite song. Soon you’re a teenager and journals upon journals are filled with your best friends and who would be your maid of honor, your bridesmaides. Where would this all happen, who would it be with?

The biggest question, what would he be like?

Would he take you on picnics under the stars, with the sweet sound of music playing in the background? Would he write you letters that he knows makes you smile more than anything?

Would he buy you flowers and tell you, you’re beautiful every chance he got? Would he take you on long walks and hold your hand while twirling you around?

Would he look at you like you are the only girl in the world that he see’s? Would he pick you up just to drive around for hours, no destination in mind?

Would your favorite love songs remind you of him? Would he kiss you in the rain after an argument?

Would he be the man your daddy hoped you would always find one day?

My words to you are, please don’t ever stop dreaming. The most refreshing thing in this world are the ones who love openly with all their heart and dream of a life that completely takes their breath away. 

You are the ones who get hurt the most, but the best thing? You get right back up with a smile on your face because you believe in love. 

You believe in the magical parts of it. The parts that so many people don’t see, or simply take for granted. 

You believe in smiles and holding hands. You believe in those little playful nudges, those silly jokes that make no sense. Those small moments of tenderness. You believe in the joys of long hugs and the good in everyone you meet. 

Please don’t ever stop hoping, teaching, giving, cherishing, loving. 

Don’t lose your soft heart that forgives easily and is always open to second chances.

This cruel world needs the dreamers, the sweethearts who fall in love with words. The ones who search and search for that perfect quote that explains exactly how they feel. The ones who replay the same song over and over again because it says everything they wish they could. The ones who fall so fast, not regretting a single thing.

Always be a hopeless romantic in life, you are the sweetest type of people. 

Don’t ever stop.

love always,
your biggest supporter