Everything I Couldn’t Say


It feels like an eternity when we finally pull up to the brownstone building that holds my tiny apartment inside. I don’t even bother saying goodbye, I get out and slam the door and let him feel my raft from trying to get his attention all night. I’m almost to the steps when I hear his door slam shut too.

“You know I had it all planned out in my head” He was talking so quietly I could hardly make out his words but I didn’t move. “All the things I would say to you were all planned out Peyton, and then I see you with these other guys, these guys who are sleezeballs and only want one thing and I froze. I didn’t know if you liked those kinds of guys, I didn’t know what you wanted. All I knew was I wanted to rip them apart, every single one of them who touched you.” My heart was beating so hard, I was sure he could hear it, I was hanging onto every word he said and I didn’t dare to speak incase he might stop talking.

“I don’t know how you can’t see how you make them all feel, or the way they look at you. Jesus, I feel like everyone knows besides you Peyton.” Now I turn around and speak because I don’t know what the hell he is talking about but I can’t look away from him when he is running his fingers through his hair like that.

 “What exactly do you mean Easton?” Our voices both barely a whisper. “I’m talking about you Peyton, I’m looking right at you, all the time I’m seeing you…I only see you…. When we are studying and I see you take your long auburn hair out of your messy bun, I freeze. When you need a break so you go straight for your tiny little dancing parties you have all by yourself, all I want to do is grab you. When you bite your fucking lip because you are nervous or confused, I can’t breathe.”

All the words coming out of his mouth right now are one by one going in my ear and floating right into my heart. I never thought I would hear these, I mean these are like devotions. These are my devotions I have had locked away for years.

Years and I never told him when what he is saying right now to me, is telling me that he might feel the same way. “Easton what are you trying to say right now? Because I can’t breathe” He is taking steps my way now





He’s here.

He runs his finger across my jaw, across my lips and he holds me in his soft touch.  I see the scar right above his chin when we were 14 and Zach McKenzie dared him to jump out of the tree house in his backyard. My head is spinning when I hear the words he’s forming come out of his mouth. “What I’m trying to say is that I’m in love with you P, I didn’t know what all of this meant at first. I mean hell we’ve been best friends since I can remember, but I think that’s what did it for me. You’re the realest person I know, you are so damn real to me and I can’t help it anymore. I can’t stand back and watch other people have you, because I want you. I want you P.”




I don’t know what to say to him, I can’t form words, so I do the only thing I’ve wanted to do for the last 10 years. I kiss him, and I kiss him with everything I have, with all the words I have ever left unspoken and I hope he can feel it. I hope he can feel it like hell, because this is me telling him everything I never had the courage to say. This is me laying it all out in front of him because after this there is no going back. It’s either us or nothing at all and that’s exactly what I’ve been afraid of.

Happy Sunday!

This weekend was not a reading one, but it defiantly was filled with writing! Thank you for reading my loves 🙂



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